Mum vs Baby

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If Carlsberg Made.......

If Carlsberg Made....... Why oh why do men think us mums know the answers to everything when it comes to our babies? I mean, I know I stay at home with her all the time while I am on maternity leave, but it doesn't mean I'm a baby psychic! No, I know it isn't all men, some of you are super lucky to have a man who dives into those dirty nappies, insists he runs you a bath with candle light while he takes care of the baby for an hour and puts his own laundry in the wash. Lucky you! But reality for me isn't the same, as you may have read throughout my blog. I love my partner a huge amount but boy is he a challenge. 'If Carlsberg Made Men, they were probably too drunk by the time they got to mine....' So that wonderful question he has asked me more times than I can count. "Why won't the baby stop crying?" I have had many different responses, here are 3 of my favourite, 1. If I

Twinkle Twinkle

Twinkle Twinkle Gazing at the ceiling in a complete trance, my baby was staring at nothing - as you do... I waved my hand above her face, clicking my fingers to get her attention, what on earth was so fascinating?! The lights! She was staring long and hard at the lights! I did the same and then all I could see was spots, she was going to blind herself!!! Okay, a bit exagerrated but if I carried on looking too I sure as hell was going to go blind or get a migraine! This new fascination kept her very quiet. What's the true meaning of quiet you ask? I hadn't known either until I witnessed a countless number of hours of continuous screaming, now I know the true meaning of peace/silence/quiet. It's when your baby finally stops crying and you mistake the moment for becoming deaf. You start tapping hollow objects just to be sure you can actually still hear and your baby hasn't permanently damaged your ear drums. That's the true meaning of quiet when you become a mum. We we

Gateway To Insanity

Gateway To Insanity Roll up, roll up. Come and witness the show of all time. Running around to the 'Benny Hill' tune is me, once again chasing after everyone and everything. I really sometimes feel as though I have triplets, the only thing is two of them have four legs and are very hairy! The other one is Jamie. My actual child doesn't count just yet as she is still very much static. My life, as you may have read so far, is in fact full of looking after, chasing after and picking up after 4 creatures. Creature number one - farts a lot, wiggles a lot and poops a lot. Creature number two - pees everywhere, loses my mugs and smells funny. Creature number three - very hairy, chases females and gets in my way. Creature number four - pinches my food, sits in my seat and licks his bits. Now looking back at the description of those four I will let you figure out who is who. (The scary thing is Jamie could actually be any of them)! Yes, I'm a bad

A Musical To A Disaster

A Musical To A Disaster Time wasters - complete and utter time wasters. That's how many people explain babies when they stand gazing at mine. They are so right, there she is, our own creation, a new human being to add to the millions of others living in the world. So peaceful, so quiet, so cute! It's such an amazing feeling becoming a mum, you never know the true love you feel until you have a child to love, care for and cherish. Whether you give birth naturally, via c-section or adopt, they are your precious bundle of cuteness. Yours to show off to the world. I look back at the first moments of her life and see just how tiny she really was! How so much awaited from that point on and so much still does. People often express their disbelief at how fast the time really does pass so incredibly quickly. "You'll blink and it's gone" "Cherish every moment, they grow up so fast" 10 weeks down the line and it feels like it's

On Your Marks...

On Your Marks... Get set...... GO! You have 12 minutes and 39 seconds to complete one lap of the house with a hoover, wash 3 plates, 4 forks and 7 teaspoons! Find 5 mugs dotted around the house in secret locations by Jamie. Sterilise 3 baby bottles and 14 dummies (after finding the dummies). Pick up 5 dog poo's (apparently I feed them too much - how can they do this many in 2 hours?!) and hang out the washing! I start with the hoover, this brings with it a time wasting mission, rounding my two dogs up so they don't keep biting it. This would be easier if one of my dogs couldn't open every dam door in the house. Dogs rounded up and hoovering continues, only to then suck up one of Jamie's many socks which he insists on dotting around the house and then denies doing so. Sock removed and I once again continue, dog opens the door and bites my hoover... Hoovering finally completed, one down, five to go. After washing the dishes I go on the hunt

Dear Netflix

Dear Netflix Dear Netflix, You have to understand my disappointment, I am currently on maternity leave, my baby is sleeping, this is not why I am disappointed. I couldn't be happier after a long couple of upset days to have a bit of time to myself to kick back, eat my pot noodle and listen to the rain splash away on the outside world. My disappointment has stemmed from you not working when I get chance to actually hear what I am trying to watch! I don't ask for much do I? I mean, you tease me with starting my program and then BAM! an error code pops up in place of it. WHY do you want to punish me! What did I do wrong to deserve this - I have T-minus 20 - 60 minutes of peace to catch up on some season viewing before my lovely but noisy daughter awakens from her very peaceful sleep! My pot noodle has been consumed, a quick solution to be able to maximise my Netflix viewing time, being a mum everything becomes timed and time is very precious. It was so I co

Baby Brain

Baby Brain It's real! It continues from pregnancy right the way through till your child is in their twenties (so I've been told)! I've always been a bit 'dippy', done some fairly silly things which some would blame on baby brain IF I had actually been pregnant at the time. I have washed bananas - yes with the skin still on, I have hung out the washing - which was still dirty, I have nearly broke my skull trying to look out my car window, I once drove around on my moped with an A4 piece of paper and a packet of crisps stuck on the top of my helmet and I once walked around the supermarket looking for minge (the handwritten list actually said mince). It's safe to say I was not looking forward to this so called baby brain. My normal brain was bad enough. Thankfully I don't think I've done anything too silly yet. The main way I've been affected is forgetting things. I've gone out leaving the front door wide open, left the frid

Hookhills Village Cherry Pie Fayre

Hookhills Village Cherry Pie Fayre The weather was warm, the sun was out with a few clouds around, which was perfect really, especially for the amount of children there. We all like the sun to be shining but in the middle of July that could make it a bit too hot for an afternoon spent solely outside. I know for sure my tiny person would have been grumpy if it had been too hot. I still managed to burn only one shoulder, never seem to get an even tan. I always end up with half a leg or arm catching the sun and the rest of me is so white I just reflect it! It was so busy, so many people from around the area and some I didn't recognise. It was so lovely to see a community come together to raise money and enjoy the hard work put into making it a brilliant day. There was stalls, a beer tent, a pimms tent, a stage and lots of activities for the children. This was the first Cherry Pie Fayre of, I am sure, many. And this was my tiny persons first Fayre experience. Granted,

5 Things I Hate About Parenting

5 Things I Hate About Parenting Don't worry, one of my hates is not my own child...not today anyway! I love being a parent, I could never have imagined just how much I would enjoy it, but since it started I have slowly built up a small list of things that really do get on my nerves! I'm sure I'm not the only one. 1. Car Seats They do a brilliant job of keeping your tiny person safe, but boy are they heavy and as your baby piles on the pounds the two combined seems near impossible to lift, I seriously need to start working on my arms, although I imagine by the time I have finished lugging her about I will look like Popeye! And the struggle of getting those clips together to plug in, easy at first, harder when they insist on wriggling like its some sort of game. "Please sit still while mummy tries to keep you safe and plugged in!" *Wriggle, wriggle, kick!* 2. Dummies They are slippery little buggers!!! You have finished sterilising the

Jab Day

Jab Day The day all mum's dread - jab day! The thought of our tiny person being jabbed and hurt is not something we want our precious bundle of joy to go through, but is necessary to keep them well and healthy. One day she will understand - actually, no she won't because thankfully she won't remember these first few doses of pain. I wasn't too worried about taking her for them, me and needles don't mind each other and I feel if I keep the same attitude around her when she receives them then hopefully she will grow up with the same view. First appointment of the day is our six week check up, which is actually at eight weeks (?) and I lug her up the stairs in her car seat to the doctors room. The rate she is growing I won't be able to lift her in it soon!!! I need to start doing some bicep curls (with a glass of wine of course). The doctor was certainly a character and liked to get to point. Dr - "Does she eat, sleep, see and hear?&quo

Party Girl

Party Girl My Gran's birthday party, I had been looking forward to it so much and it didn't fail to be a fantastic evening! With so many family members there and half of which Mia had not met yet. I dressed her in a beautiful pink and blue dress ready to impress. Me and Jamie didn't really need to worry about what we wore because everyone would be looking at her. From the moment we arrived she was cradled by loving relatives. The smiles she brings to the faces of the people I love was beautiful, I felt so proud and lucky. Before I knew it I had a list of people requesting they get the next cuddle with our daughter. "Come over to us next, we want a cuddle?" There I was getting ready for my cuddles, but each time they meant my daughter! She was hogging all the attention!!! Where the heck are my cuddles!!!! Ha - only kidding! From one relative to the next my baby was going from person to person like 'pass the parcel' but she was loving

Hallelujah!

Hallelujah! It happened!!! I went to bed at 11am, little one asleep in her GroBag for the first time and I was getting used to the breaks in sleep. Amazing how your body can adjust to sleep so quickly, don't get me wrong, I was still tired and missed my sleep, but I was no longer exhausted. Sleep pulls me into my dream world preparing me for the night feeds to come. Woken by my babies cries for food I look at the curtains and see they are letting in light....light?? Where am I? What happened? The time on my phone is just before 8am. 8am? I'm so confused....did I feed her through the night and I'm just so tired I can't remember doing it? No.... I didn't. She slept through the whole night. I feel like doing some sort of celebratory dance! I want to wake Jamie up just to high five him, but his returning high five may be in my face for waking him! Hallelujah - the time has arrived, the time we parents pray for. At almost 7 weeks

Who Let The Dogs Out, Who, Who

Who Let The Dogs Out, Who, Who Let me introduce you to my other babies, they have been a bit left out recently, but they have still been my cuddly, friendly, supportive boys. Since falling pregnant, to bringing home a tiny little human, they have sensed changes and adapted fairly well. Dogs are intelligent animals and are very affectionate, loyal pets. I read somewhere that dogs can sense you are pregnant, my border collie (Dexter) seemed to have sensed this because he started to change when I walked him. It wasn't until after the changes it clicked in my brain why. One day, he just left my side in the park to run up to a big German Sheppard and bark at him, I had to run over, apologise and put him on his lead. He didn't get aggressive with the dog just barked. It was so out of character and a bit odd. This happened again with another big dog a separate time, then it dawned on me, he was protecting me. He must have sensed the change in me and had started protec

Are You Feeding Her Yourself?

Are You Feeding Her Yourself? No... The dog does it. Don't get me wrong, if I know you then I honestly don't mind being asked that question. Its a common question to ask - not sure why, but apparently it is. If you've had a baby I'm sure you've been asked this many times. The conversation usually goes - Person -"Are you feeding her yourself?" *My brain instantly wants to respond with a sarcastic answer* Me- "No, bottle" Person - "Ah right" Or "That's easier than breast feeding" Or "At least the babies dad can help" That's about as far as it goes, I still don't understand the point in the question, but I still don't mind. Now for the part I do mind. Why do strangers ask me? To me it's a strange thing for a stranger who doesn't even know your name to be asking whether or not I am whipping my boob out for my baby. I always feel like they are going to judge me for

Spawn of Satan

Spawn of Satan 2:30am wake. The crying began, this was normal so far. I changed her, made up a bottle and knew I'd soon be back in bed sleeping until the next feed. WRONG! She stayed awake, crying, crying, screaming, crying, dozing, waking, crying. Dear god it was hell. This was the first time of, hopefully, NOT many! My eyes were so heavy, I scoured Ebay looking for those magic matchsticks that other Mum's surely use to stay awake! No luck, they must be sold out! What was wrong? I tried winding her, it's like a game of Where's Wally but instead Where's Windy! There must be some in there somewhere, I pat her back, rub her back up and down, clockwise, anti-clockwise. There was no ease for her. I felt bad, I am Mummy, I should know what is wrong and be able to help her be happy, content and relaxed, my poor baby. Hours ticked by to no avail! Maybe she is a Devil Baby!!! Her horns are sprouting, her fangs will be coming through and her tail growing, t

Bless You My Child!

Bless You My Child! Since birth she has been a snuffly baby, I was sure she had my cold but the midwives insisted she wouldn't. It was horrible to know she was bunged up and I couldn't help - my fingers were too big to pick the boogers out of her tiny little nostrils! I hate having a stuffy nose myself, now I also hated her having one too! It turned out in the end she either had a cold the whole time or ended up getting one. No temperature though so that was a relief. We had different advice given to us to help clear her nose: 1. Tickle her nose with a tissue; 2. Use a bit of cotton wool inside her nose; 3. Hold her up to a light; 4. Put my mouth over her nose and suck the boggies out. Safe to say #4 was avoided at all costs! Plus, if I sucked too hard would her brain come out too!? The winning choice was #2 and #3 together! The sneezing commenced! But how on earth were those giant balls of goo coming out of her nose, they were the size of her hea

Two Sugars and a Dash of Sanity

Two Sugars and a Dash of Sanity I really wish I liked coffee, getting used to the night feeds is not easy and sleeping through the day just doesn't happen, so a coffee boost would be perfect. Days before my little person arrived I had restless sleep and waking up quite often with that horrid, evil cold I had, I thought this would be a good practice run for a baby waking me through the night regularly, it wasn't so bad. I hadn't put into consideration that I would not just be waking up and browsing Facebook and needing to pee every 2 hours! I was going to be abruptly woken by a screaming person demanding her butt to be wiped, her bottle to be made and to be fed. "I am hungry, but you need to change me first..... No you are taking far to long..... Why aren't you running Mummy..... You mean the bottle isn't ready yet..... Its going to take 30 seconds.... Right that's it I'm going to scream more...... Forget the bib Mum I just want my bottle....

Tiny Person

Tiny Person Spending time with my baby is a precious moment. Her tiny fingers and toes, her skinny little body and face. Her birth weight was half an ounce over five pounds, so she really was tiny. I had packed everything right for her arrival, sleep suits, vests, hats, nappies and none of them fit! Typical, I spent ages choosing what to pack and it was all huge on her tiny little frame. The blanket dwarfed her, but the sleep suit dwarfed her even more so. She lived inside the body of it and the arms and legs were unused as she just fell out of them. I missed her first poop, known as Meconium. While I was in surgery Jamie was giving her the first bottle, he then apparently asked my Mum why he had black gunk all down his arm. You guessed it, our darling child was already doing me proud! She had pooped on her Daddy, I'm just very disappointed that I had not witnessed his expression once he realised. It was strange not being able to get up when she stirred or put h

Goodbye Dignity

Goodbye Dignity Dignity - oh how I miss you! Midwives clear the room up after I destroyed it in my animal like transformation that labor caused! Wow I did not expect to be that bad! The screaming.... oh the screaming! Although through the whole labor I did not swear at all. I did how ever scream, shout, beg and possibly even growl! After my first cuddles with my new, very tiny baby more fun came. Delivering the placenta. What? It doesn't come out with the baby? I've got to push again, which I'm sure wasn't part of the deal! Luckily it was easy and painless. "Would you like to see what your baby lived in?" Sure! I imagine a nice little bubble that gave peace and comfort to my then unborn baby, but no it was disgusting, something you imagine an alien crawling out of! "Oh..... lovely..." Now comes the checking my bits and bobs, which turn out to need stitches. Legs up in the stirrups, after that birth I was no longer embar

And We're Off!

And We're Off I had decided all along that I needed my mum to be at the birth as well as Jamie, the reason for this, other than she is amazing support and my best friend - someone had to look after Jamie while I went through labor! No, I am not a single mum with a child named Jamie, he is my fiance, my very annoying fiance! We arrive and are introduced to a lovely student midwife. There is a bed with what I can only describe as a puppy pad on it, also in the room was a gym ball, a fridge, a dog bowl, coffee, tea, water etc and a radio. Party time! Unfortunately the fridge was empty and not containing any party essentials! Student midwife returns to time my contractions. Me - "I think I am having one" SM- "You think?" Me - "Mmm....yeah it is one..........It's gone now" SM - "You dealt with that well, you must have a high pain threshold." Great I thought, this shouldn't be too bad then. The next thing I can h

Who's In There?

Who's in There? Once upon a time there was a baby in my belly! God, that feels like a long time ago now, but it was only 8 weeks ago! How does the time go so fast when you become a mum?! I was lucky and wasn't too big considering I was at the end of my pregnancy. I was still walking the dogs (which I probably shouldn't have been), running up and down the stairs, tidying and hoovering like my life depended on it and to top it all off I had the mother of all colds! My due date was five days away and I got my first pains, they kept me up all night, so I rang the delivery suite to be told it was probably false labor. I sat there thinking, how the heck am I supposed to know if it isn't false! The next day the pains had subsided and I put my feet up and felt quite silly for ringing them. Three days from due date the pains returned and I was curled up on the sofa, Jamie (my other half) insisting I ring the delivery suite again. I certainly didn't